20. December 2017 · Comments Off on An unforgettable night, transcripts from The Stueys · Categories: Olio

The 2017 Stueys
Denny’s Ballroom, Redwood City (climate best by government test), CA

What a night! It’s an evening overflowing with glamour. The electricity in the air is palpable. Our host is the always elegant, always intelligent, always charming, Liberacha.

(Meryl Streep walks by)

Liberacha: Ms. Streep, we know you’re the greatest actress of our age, but you’re not even nominated this year. Why are you here?

Streep: Dahling, there must be some sort of mistake.

Liberacha: We’re not like those Awards That Shall Not Be Named. The Stueys don’t ever make mistakes. Ms. Streep, you’re not even on our guest list. Ruldofo, show Ms. Streep the door!

(Rudolfo picks up Ms. Streep like she’s a toothpick and carries her, kicking and screaming, away)

Liberacha: Sorry about that. And now it’s time for the Stuey awards!

Best use of pop music: Baby Driver
Accepting the award for Baby Driver, Paul Simon

Simon: I really didn’t have anything to do with this movie. Why am I here?

Liberacha: Two words. Kevin Spacey.

Simon: Ohhhh.

Best comedy: Get Out
Accepting the award for Get Out, Jordan Peele

Peele: This movie isn’t a comedy! It’s a serious movie.

Liberacha: It was serious until you were forced to tack on a new ending to keep white people like me from getting nervous and depressed. That ending was hilarious although the original ending was right on the nose. Do you want us to give this award to The Big Sick instead? That one was pretty good.

Peele: Nooo. I want to thank The Stueys for this prestigious award.

Most beautiful to watch: The Shape of Water
Accepting the award, the aquatic creature from The Shape of Water

Creature (signs his speech): This award is kind of cool, but do you have any eggs? I’m hungry!

Best supporting actor, Bill Nighy, Their Finest
(this is Bill Nighy’s first nomination and first Stuey)
Accepting the award, Bill Nighy

Nighy: Thanks, but why am I being put up in a Motel 6?

Liberacha: The Fairmont was overbooked. Sorrrry.

Best foreign film: One Week and a Day (Israel)
Accepting the award for One Week and a Day, Japanese director Hirokazu Kore-eda

Kore-eda: I liked this movie, too, but what am I, chopped sashimi?

Liberacha: Baby, we love your movies, too. That’s why we invited you. You’re the perpetual foreign film runner up in the Stueys. Chances are you’ll win a prestigious Stuey next year.

Kore-eda: Really? (breaks down in tears of joy)

Best score: The Shape of Water
Accepting the award for The Shape of Water, Guillermo del Toro

del Toro: So are we going to win all the technical stuff this year and get shut out of the big awards?

Liberacha: You’ll have to stick around to find out.

Best supporting actress, Holly Hunter, The Big Sick
Accepting the award, Holly Hunter

Hunter: I can’t even get arrested in Hollywood and here I am winning a prestigious Stuey. Don’t you think I deserve to get more good acting gigs like this one?

Liberacha: Definitely.

Best director: Aisling Walsh, Maudie
Accepting the award, Aisling Walsh

Walsh: Thank you! But how did you even know about our movie? It came and went faster than Trump’s love affair with Chuck and Nancy.

Liberacha: Baby, your movie is a huge, big budget blockbuster success by Stuey standards. Most of the movies we screen for awards have box office revenues lower than the cost of a trailer home in Kearney, Nebraska.

Best documentary: My Love, Don’t Cross That River

Liberacha: We’re going to be mailing this award to the movie’s Korean producers. Somehow they didn’t believe us when we said the Stueys were prestigious. They’d never even heard of the Stueys. Amazing, huh.

Best actor, Sam Rockwell, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, MO
Accepting the award, Sam Rockwell

Rockwell: Shouldn’t I be winning the award for Best Supporting Actor?

Liberacha: You’ve been promoted!

Best Wise Negro: Octavia Spencer, The Shape of Water
Accepting the award, Octavia Spencer

Liberacha: You’re very talented. Aren’t you getting tired of being typecast in what, by definition, are racist roles? Don’t you want to spread your wings and fly always?

Spencer: Aren’t you nosy and holier than thou? It pays the bills, Baby.

Best actress: Sally Hawkins, Maudie
Accepting the award, Sally Hawkins

Hawkins: Thank you so much for this prestigious award. I was fabulous, wasn’t I?

Liberacha: You were, indeed. You made me sob like a baby and smile like I’d just won the lottery. I’m so happy to see that your terrible arthritis has vanished. A miracle!

Hawkins: I was acting, Dearie.

Liberacha: Oh. And now for the final award. Stay right here, Ms. Hawkins.

Best drama: Maudie

(the actors, producers and director of Maudie all storm the stage, grab their Stuey, and run to catch a Lyft to the airport just in case PricewaterhouseCoopers blew the envelope handoff like they did at last year’s Awards That Shall Not Be Named)

Liberacha: We ran a little long, as per usual, but it was worth it. I can’t wait to see you again in 2018. In the meantime, pleasant viewing!

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