Today is Purim, the annual Jewish holiday where we eat hamantaschen (here I am eating one sent to me by my daughter in DC), dress up in crazy costumes and tell the story of Queen Esther. I thought the story could use a modernization. See below.
The Whole (New) Megillah aka The Book of Ivanka
And it came to pass in the days of Trump, the same Trump who ruled from Maine to Hawaii, fifty states. In those days Trump sat in his royal throne, which was in Mar-a-Lago in Florida. After the primary before his reign, he made a four-day feast for all in his party, the GOP, both its ministers and servants. It was not well attended by A-list celebrities. Actually it was not attended at all by A-list celebrities. But that was OK as far as the king was concerned. A-list celebrities were losers.
On the first night, when the king’s heart was merry, he ordered Bannon, his son-in-law Kishmeintuchasner, Flynn, Miller, Christie, Gingrich and Giuliani, the six chamberlains who attended King Trump, to bring Queen Melania to the feast, to show her beauty to the nations and ministers, for she was indeed beautiful and to give a speech. But lo and behold, Queen Melania botched the speech by plagiarizing the words of another queen, and the king grew furious and his wrath seethed within him.
So the king conferred with the sages, those knowledgeable of the times for this was the king’s custom, to go before those who were versed in every law and statute. He asked them, “By law, what should be done with Queen Melania for plagiarizing her speech?”
Bannon declared before the king and the ministers: “It is not against the King alone that Queen Melania has sinned, but against all the ministers and all the states of King Trump. For word of the queen’s deed will reach all the women and it will belittle their husbands in their eyes. For they will say: ‘King Trump commanded that Queen Melania give a speech and boy oh boy did she botch the thing.’ If it please the King, let a royal edict be issued by him that Queen Melania be banished to a tower in the state of New York. Let the King confer her royal title upon another woman who is better than she.”
The idea pleased the king and the ministers, and the king did as Bannon had advised. The king’s attendants advised: “Let beautiful virgin girls be sought for the King. And let the King appoint officers in all the provinces of his kingdom, and let them gather every beautiful virgin girl to Mar-a-Lago, the winter capital, for a Miss Universe contest. Then let the girl who finds favor in the King’s eyes become queen in Melania’s stead.” The plan pleased the king and he acted accordingly.
There was a Jewish man who attended to the king, Jared Kisnmeintuchasner, son of Charles, who was a crook, son of Shim’iy, son of Kish, a Benjaminite who had been exiled from New Jersey. He had married the king’s daughter, Ivanka. The girl was shapely and beautiful. Now when the king’s order and edict became known, and many girls were about to be gathered to Mar-a-Lago, the winter capital, Ivanka was also present in the palace. Every day Jared would stroll in front of the palace courtyard to find out how Ivanka was faring.
And the king loved Ivanka more than all the women and she won his favor and kindness far more than Melania. Jared said to the king, “Do you not love Ivanka more than all other women? Screweth the Miss Universe contest and make Ivanka queen.” And the king agreed; he placed the royal crown on Ivanka’s head and made her queen in Melania’s stead. Then the king made a grand feast for all his ministers and servants, the Feast of Ivanka. He lowered taxes for the states and gave presents befitting the king.
In those days, while Jared sat at the king’s gate, Flynn and Christie, two of the king’s chamberlains, botched phone calls to Russians and closed a highway in a pathetic and petty power play, respectively. The matters became known to Jared and he informed Queen Ivanka. Ivanka then informed the king of it in Jared’s name. The matters were investigated and found to be true and the two were hanged on the gallows. It was then recorded in the Book of Chronicles before the king.
After these events, King Trump promoted Bannon, son of Martin, the telephone lineman, and advanced him; he placed his seat above all his fellow ministers. All the king’s servants at the king’s gate kneeled and bowed before Bannon, for so had the king commanded concerning him. But Jared would not kneel or bow. Bannon said to King Trump, “There is one nation scattered and dispersed among the nations throughout the provinces of your kingdom, whose laws are unlike those of any other nation and who do not obey the laws of the King. It is not in the King’s interest to tolerate them. If it please the King, let an edict be issued for their destruction, and I will pay ten thousand silver talents to the functionaries, to be deposited in the King’s treasuries.”
And the king asked, “Who are these people, the Jews?” And Bannon answered, “Well they’re bad, too, but I’m more worried about scientists, especially those that promote the hoax of global warming.” And the king asked, “What about the blacks?’ And Bannon answered, “Some of my best friends are blacks.” And the king asked, “Really?” And Bannon answered, “Not really.” And the king asked, “What about those radical terrorist Muslims?” And Bannon answered, “We have their violence under control in our land, but we can’t say that because fear of Muslim terror keeps our citizens under our thumb. Scientists aren’t under our control, though, and they need to be.” And the king asked, “What about those bad hombre Mexicans?” And Bannon answered, “As bad as Jews, but scientists are even worse. They are about verifiable truth and nothing is worse for the king than verifiable truth.” And the king said, “Bigly.”
The king removed his signet ring from his hand and gave it to Bannon, son of Martin, the telephone lineman, persecutor of anything based on facts and data (and Jews). The king said to Bannon, “The money is yours to keep, and the scientists are yours to do with as you please.” The king’s scribes were then summoned on the thirteenth day of the first month, and all that Bannon commanded. It was written in King Trump’s name by executive order and sealed with the king’s signet ring.
Letters were sent with couriers to all the states of the king: to annihilate and destroy all the funding of scientists, young and old, men and women, on one day the thirteenth day of the twelfth month, which is the month of Adar and to plunder their possessions and gut the EPA. Copies of the executive order were to be proclaimed as law in every state, so that they should be ready for that day. The couriers hurried out with the order of the king and the law was proclaimed in Washington, DC, the summer capital. Then the king and Bannon sat down to grope pussies while the city of Washington, DC was in turmoil.
Jared knew all that had occurred and told Ivanka. “Our planet is screwedeth,” he said to Ivanka. “What can we do?” And Ivanka said, “Absolutely nothing. We can’t get daddy angry otherwise he will have a tweet storm and my clothing line sales will tank again. He might even shut me up in that tower with Melania. I needeth some Xanax!”
Jared told Al Gore, who was once almost king, who tore his clothes and put on sackcloth and ash. Gore went out into the city crying loudly and bitterly. He went up until the king’s gate, for it is improper to enter the king’s gate wearing sackcloth. And in every province, wherever the edict of the king and his law reached, there was great mourning among the scientists, with fasting, crying and wailing; sackcloth and ash were spread out for the masses. Ivanka’s maids and chamberlains came and told her about it and the queen was terrified. She said, “Gore needs something from my clothing line stat.” She sent garments with which to dress Gore so that he would remove his sackcloth from upon him, but he did not accept them because they were made in China.
Ivanka summoned Hatach, one of the king’s chamberlains whom he had placed in her service, and she commanded him to go to Gore to find out the meaning of this and what it was about. Hatach went out to Gore, to the city square that was in front of the king’s gate. And Gore told him about all that had happened and about the sum of money that Bannon had promised to pay to the king’s treasuries for the right to destroy the scientists. He also gave him a copy of the executive order that was proclaimed in America calling for the annihilation of scientific funding, to show Ivanka and to tell her about it, and to instruct her to go to the king to beseech him and to plead with him on behalf of scientists. Hatach went and relayed the words of Gore to Ivanka. Ivanka told Hatach to relay to Gore, “All the king’s servants and the people of the king’s provinces know that any man or woman who goes to the king and enters the inner courtyard without being summoned, his is but one verdict: execution; except for the person to whom the king extends his golden scepter only he shall live. And I have not been summoned to come to the king for thirty days now.”
They relayed Ivanka’s words to Gore, and Gore said to relay to Ivanka, “If you will remain silent at this time, relief and salvation will not come to the scientists from another source, and the world will become an uninhabital sauna. And who knows if it is not for just such a time that you reached this royal position.” Ivanka said to relay to Gore “Go and gather all the scientists who are in America and fast for my sake, do not eat and do not drink for three days, night and day. My maids and I shall also fast in the same way. Then I shall go to the king, though it is unlawful, and if I perish, I perish.” Gore did all that Ivanka had instructed him.
On the third day Ivanka donned garments of royalty and stood in the inner courtyard of the palace, facing the palace. The king was sitting on his royal throne in the palace facing the palace entrance. When the king saw Queen Ivanka standing in the courtyard she found favor in his eyes. The king extended to Ivanka the golden scepter that was in his hand and Ivanka approached and touched the tip of the scepter. The king said to her, “What is it, Queen Ivanka? What is your request? Even if it be half the kingdom, it will be granted you.” Ivanka said, “If it please the King, let the King and Bannon come today to the feast that I have prepared for him.” The king said, “Tell Bannon to hurry and fulfill Ivanka’s bidding.”
And the king and Bannon came to the feast that Ivanka had prepared. That day Bannon left happy and content. But when Bannon saw Gore at the king’s gate and Gore neither rose nor trembled before him, Bannon was filled with wrath against Gore. Bannon restrained himself and went to his house and sent for his friends. Bannon told them of his glorious wealth and all about how the king had promoted and raised him above all the king’s ministers and servants. Then Bannon said: “In addition, along with the king, Queen Ivanka invited only me to the feast that she prepared. Tomorrow, too, I am invited to her feast along with the king. Yet all this is worthless to me whenever I see Gore, the inventor of the internet, sitting at the king’s gate!” Then all his friends said to him, “Have gallows erected fifty cubits high, and tomorrow tell the king to have Gore hanged on it. Then you will be able to go in good spirits with the king to the feast.” Bannon was pleased with the idea and erected the gallows.
That night, the king’s sleep was disturbed. He ordered that the Book of Records, the Chronicles, be brought, and they were read before the king. It was found written that Jared had informed on Flynn and Christie, two of the king’s chamberlains from the threshold guards, who had planned to assassinate King Trump. The king asked, “What splendor and honor has been accorded to Jared for this?” “Nothing was done for him,” the king’s attendants replied. “Who is in the courtyard?” asked the king. And just then Bannon had come to the outer courtyard of the king’s chambers to tell the king to hang Gore on the gallows he had prepared for him. “Bannon is standing in the courtyard,” the king’s attendants answered him. “Let him come in,” said the king. Bannon entered, and the king said to him, “What should be done for a man whom the king wishes to honor?” Now Bannon said to himself, “Who would the king wish to honor more than me?” So Bannon said to the king, “For a man whom the king wishes to honor, let them bring a royal garment that the king has worn, and a horse upon which the king has ridden, and upon whose head the royal crown has been placed. And let the garment and the horse be entrusted in the hands of one of the king’s noble ministers, and they shall dress the man whom the king wishes to honor and lead him on the horse through the city square, proclaiming before him, ‘So is done for the man whom the king wishes to honor!'” The king said to Bannon, “Hurry! Take the garment and the horse just as you have said, and do just so for Jared the Jew who sits at the king’s gate. Do not leave out a thing from all that you suggested.”
So Bannon took the garment and the horse and dressed Jared, and he led him through the city square and proclaimed before him: “So is done for the man whom the King wishes to honor!” Then Jared returned to the king’s gate while Bannon hurried to his house, miserable, his face covered. Bannon told all his friends about all that had happened to him. And his wise men told him, “If this Jared, before whom you have begun to fall, is of Jewish descent, you will not prevail over him, for you will certainly fall before him.” And Bannon answered, “Some of my best friends are Jews.” And his friends asked, “Really?” And Bannon answered, “Not really.” While they were still talking with him, the chamberlains of the king arrived, and they rushed to bring Bannon to the feast that Ivanka had prepared.
The king and Bannon came to drink with Queen Ivanka. And again on the second day the king said to Ivanka during the wine feast, “What is your plea, Queen Ivanka? It will be granted you. What is your request? Even if it be half the kingdom it will be fulfilled.” Queen Ivanka replied and said: “If I have found favor in your eyes, O King, and if it please the King, get rid of the creator of the internet, who won’t wear my clothing line because it’s made in China, the twit. King Trump said to Queen Ivanka, “Who is this, and which one is he, that has the audacity to do such a thing?” “A man who is a complete fashion don’t and an enemy: the evil Gore!” Ivanka replied. And Bannon said, “Good idea. I have gallows erected that I’ve never used. It would be a shame to have them go to waste.”
The king arose in wrath and left the wine feast and went to the palace garden. Gore entered into the palace gate to beg Queen Ivanka for his life, for he realized that the king’s hostility towards him was irrevocable. And the king returned from the palace garden to the wine-feast chamber, and Gore had fallen upon the divan upon which Ivanka was reclining. The king said, “Does he even intend to have his way with the queen while I am in the palace!” As soon as these words left the king’s mouth the face of Gore was covered. Then Charvonah, one of the chamberlains that attended the king, said, “There is the gallows that Bannon erected for Gore standing at Bannon’s house, fifty cubits high!” “Hang him upon it!” said the king. And they hanged Gore on the gallows that he had prepared and the king’s wrath abated.
On that day, King Trump gave Queen Ivanka the estate of Gore. And Jared came before the king. And the king removed his signet ring which he had taken from Gore and gave it to Jared, and Ivanka put Jared in charge of Gore’s estate. Jared asked Ivanka, “What about Bannon’s war against the scientists and global warming?” And Ivanka answered, “Warming, shmorming, I’ve got to save my clothing line.” Ivanka again spoke before the king and fell before his feet and she cried and begged him to promote her clothing line. The king extended the golden scepter to Ivanka and Ivanka rose and stood before the king. She said, “If it please the King, and if I have found favor before him, and the idea is proper to the King, and I am pleasing in his eyes, let free advertising be issued on TV by your sometimes advisor Conway, who will tell the world to buy my clothes. For how can I behold the calamity that will befall my clothing line? And how can I behold the destruction of my brand?”
King Trump said to Bannon, “See, I have given Gore’s estate to Ivanka, and he himself was hanged on the gallows for not wearing her clothes. Now you can issue decrees concerning the scientists as you please, in the King’s name and sealed with the King’s signet ring. For an edict written in the King’s name and sealed with the King’s signet ring cannot be withdrawn.” The king’s scribes were then summoned, in the third month, which is the month of Sivan, on its twenty-third day, and an edict was written according to all that Bannon instructed the satraps, the governors, and the nobles of the states from Maine to Hawaii. He wrote it in King Trump’s name and sealed it with the king’s signet ring. He sent the letters by couriers on horseback, riding mules bred of mares from the king’s stables saying that the king commanded scientists to be stripped of all funding and that all were allowed to plunder their possessions and destroy their data on one day in all the provinces of King Trump, on the thirteenth of the twelfth month, which is the month of Adar.
Copies of the edict were sent to be proclaimed as law in every state, so that the people would be ready for that day to take revenge upon scientists. The couriers, riding mules from the king’s stables, left urgently and hurriedly with the king’s edict, and the law was proclaimed in Mar-a-Lago, the winter capital. And Bannon left the king’s presence wearing a royal garment of blue and white, a large golden crown, and a shawl of fine linen and purple wool. And the city of Washington DC celebrated and rejoiced. For the GOP there was light and happiness, joy and glory. Many of the scientists converted to know-nothingism, for fear of Bannon had fallen upon them.
On the thirteenth day of the twelfth month, which is the month of Adar, when the time for the carrying out of the king’s edict and law had arrived, the Trumpists and GOP dominated the scientists. The Trumpists and GOP gathered in their cities throughout the state of King Trump to attack all of science. No man stood in their way, for fear of them had fallen upon all. And all the ministers of the states, the satraps, the governors and the king’s functionaries honored the edict, for fear of Bannon had fallen upon them. For Bannon was prominent in the king’s palace and his fame was spreading throughout all the provinces, for Bannon was growing in power. And the GOP struck at all the scientists with the sword, killing and destroying all their funding from the EPA, DOE, DoD and NSF. And they took the funds and used them to build a wall between the US and Mexico.
Across the nation the Trumpists destroyed the homes of 500 prominent scientists including all Nobel Prize winners. They took their spoils and used the cash to buy Ivanka brand clothes. That day, the number scientific agencies eliminated in Washington DC, the capital, was relayed to the king. The king said to Bannon, “In Washington, DC, the capital, the GOP killed and destroyed all the agencies of the scientists; what have they done in the other provinces of the King? What is your plea? It will be granted you. What is your additional request? It will be fulfilled.” Bannon replied, “If it please the King, let that obnoxious know-it-all Tyson be hanged on the gallows.” And the king said, “No way, Mike Tyson is a friend.” And Bannon asked, “Really?” And the king said, “Not really.” And Bannon said, “I was talking about Neil Tyson, not Mike.” And the king asked, “Who is he?” And Bannon said, “A loser scientist.” And the king said, “No problem.” The king ordered this done, and the law was proclaimed in Mar-a-Lago, and Tyson was hanged.
And the GOP of Washington, DC gathered on the thirteenth and fourteenth of Adar, and rested on the fifteenth and made it a day of feasting and rejoicing. Now Bannon recorded these events and sent letters to all the GOP living throughout the states of King Trump, near and far, instructing them to obligate themselves to celebrate annually the fourteenth and fifteenth days of the month of Adar, the days upon which the GOP was relieved of the rationality of science, and the month which had been transformed for them from one of sorrow to joy, from mourning to festivity. To make them days of feasting, rejoicing, sending food portions one to another. And the GOP accepted as an obligation that which they had begun to observe. For Bannon, son of Martin, the telephone lineman, persecutor of all the scientists, plotted against the scientists to destroy them, and he cast a pur, which is a lot, to shatter them and destroy them. And these days are commemorated and celebrated in every generation, by every family, in every province and every city. And these days of Purim will never pass from among the GOP nor shall their memory depart from their descendants.
Queen Ivanka, daughter of Ivana, and wife of Jared the Jew, wrote about the enormity of what transpired to establish the holiday with a second Purim epistle and to encourage all of the GOP to buy Ivanka brand clothes. And the behest of Ivanka confirmed the observances of these Purim days, and the story was included in Scripture. King Trump levied a tax upon the mainland and the islands of the sea. And the entire history of his power and strength, and the account of Bannon’s greatness, whom the king had promoted, are recorded in the Book of Chronicles of the kings of America.
With the loss of science, Bannon issued an edict, sealed with the king’s signet ring, that all should run on coal: cars, trains, planes and power plants. And states across the nation, from Maine to Hawaii, converted all power to coal. And people choked on the air. And verily the Earth turned into a sauna. And Jared the Jew said to Queen Ivanka, “Look what has transpired due to our lack of courage!” And Queen Ivanka said, “Courage, shmurage, my bikinis are selling like hotcakes. And Jared said, “Frankly Ivanka, I don’t give a damn about your clothing line.”
As the sea air warmed, hurricanes became commonplace and hit the Atlantic coastline with frequent ferocity. On the 16th day of Tamuz, a hurricane barreledeth through the capital, Washington, DC, and uprooted the White House and lifted up King Trump, Jared the Jew, and Bannon to the heavens never to be seen again. Queen Ivanka tore her clothes and put on sackcloth and ash. Ivanka went out into the city crying loudly and bitterly.
She had never understood either of the men she had loved and so she had lost them both. Now, she had a fumbling knowledge that, had she ever understood Jews, she would never have loved Jared; had she ever understood King Trump, she would never have lost him. She wondered forlornly if she had ever really understood anyone in the world.
And Queen Ivanka said, “I’ll think of it all tomorrow, at Mar-a-Lago. I can stand it then. Tomorrow, I’ll think of some way to expand my clothing line. After all, tomorrow is another day.”